I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
