worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
