the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
