When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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