im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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