Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
