He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
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He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
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Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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