the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
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my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
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THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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