Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
