I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
