Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
