Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
