I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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