Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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