Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
