mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
he shaved USA in his pubs
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
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Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
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its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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