he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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