I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
