I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
this must be what syphilis tastes like
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
