I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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