thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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