I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
