I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
