During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
