Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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