I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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