I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
