I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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