My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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