I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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