I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
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The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
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Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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