How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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