I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
