Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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