Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
