my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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