Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
