Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
