Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Help. Why am I so naked?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
