It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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