dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
