Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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