He disabled his match.com account in front of me
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
