i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I think my moral compass just broke
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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