She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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