I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
