her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
