I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
