allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
