I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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