things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
