I could make wine with my vomit
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
