I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
