i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
