her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
