Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".