I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
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So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
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I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??